Mean Girls

"I mean, right? She was a LESBIAN."

When Cady moves from Africa and attends her first American high school, she has no idea how to behave in "Girl World," where you need your friends' approval to buy a dress/date a boy, every compliment is a power struggle, and you can only wear a ponytail once a week. The first friends she makes are queer, or at least queer enough to be ostracized by the rest of the school. Damian, "almost too gay to function," loans her his pink shirt, has a Celine Dion poster in his room, and wears a purple tux to Spring Fling. Janis Ian, whose entry in the Burn Book just says "dyke," is named after a lesbian folk singer, is obsessed with Regina George, and also wears a purple tux to Spring Fling.

At first, Cady doesn't seem to care that her friends might be gay, and even, upon repeating Janis's joke that Damian is "almost too gay to function," wonders "is that only okay when Janis says it?" But the more time she spends with evil queen bee Regina, the more of her casual homophobia she absorbs, referring to her teacher as "totally queer" and finally accusing Janis of being, like, totally in love with her.

We find out that Janis's hatred for Regina is a result of homophobia, or, as Regina explains:


Later, Cady apologizes to Janis and Damian, and Janis refuses to let the gay rumors bother her anymore. She tells Regina, in front of the all the girls (and Damian) in their grade that she tried to ruin her life: "I am so sorry, Regina. Really, I don't know why I did all this. I guess it's probably because I've got a big LESBIAN crush on you! Suck on THAT!"

The ironic thing of course is that Janis isn't even a lesbian--she winds up with the mathlete rapper guy at the end, totally mellowed-out and apparently straight. This shows that gay rumors, like every other kind of high school rumor, are mostly not even true, and that stereotypes are not actually very useful, and that even if a girl wears a purple tux to prom and is weirdly obsessed with other girls, she is not necessarily gay. Only mean people are homophobic, and if you don’t know if you should call somebody “too gay to function,” you should probably restrain yourself. All of which is a nice message! But, Damian has a bit of Christian from Clueless syndrome, where he’s the only one who never shows any romantic interest in anyone, let alone gets a boyfriend. This, plus the fact that Janis turns out to be straight, felt a little like a bait-and-switch: they’re queer enough to be funny and make a statement, but not too queer.

Heathers (1988)

Kurt: Hey, Ram. Doesn’t this school have a “no fags allowed” policy?

J.D.: Well, they sure seem to have an open door policy on assholes, though, don’t they?

In my totally unbiased opinion, Heathers might be one of the greatest movies ever made. The 1988 cult classic has everything: murder! Teen suicide (don’t do it!)! Moby Dick! Scrunchies! Group therapy! Wynona Ryder! Pep rallies! Corn nuts! It doesn’t actually have any gay people, but if you have even the most basic familiarity with the plot, you know why (besides its awesomeness) I’m including it in the project. Besides satirizing the public fascination with the plight of the American teenager, Heathers A) cleverly articulates the prevailing stereotypes about gay men and B) demonstrates that these stereotypes are held by assholes.

Background information: Veronica (Wynona Ryder) is a disgruntled member of an evil, powerful girl clique, who turns against them with the help of J.D. (Christian Slater), the dreamy new sociopath in town. Together, they murder the popular kids and leave fake suicide notes. Two of their victims, Kurt and Ram, are homophobic bullies/football stars, who, in the words of J.D., have “nothing to offer this school but date rapes and AIDS jokes.” Kurt and Ram’s homophobia is both virulent and, often, a total non-sequitur, directed as it is against a new kid flirting with a girl they like, and a random geek outside a funeral. When J.D. and Veronica murder Kurt and Ram, they choose to fake the most ironic suicide possible: a murder suicide pact between two gay lovers who choose to nobly end their lives rather than live with the persecution of their small-minded Ohio town. By the gun and notes, J.D. and Veronica plant evidence of the bullies’ homosexuality: gay porn, a candy dish, bottled water, mascara, and a picture of Joan Crawford. The gullible townspeople fall for it, and, because Kurt and Ram are no longer there to complicate their nobility with actual gayness, make the boys into martyrs against intolerance.

Though Heathers came out before any of us were even born, my high school friends and I got a lot of mileage out of its most famous line:

This YouTube clip leaves off J.D.’s less hilarious response, which is probably the most sincere moment in the entire movie: “Wonder how he’d feel if that limp wrist had a pulse.” Heathers is the rare film where the absence of gay characters actually contributes to its progressiveness. Homophobia exists as a collection of free-floating, inane stereotypes that have no basis in reality, and promoted by people who are shown in every other scene to be gullible assholes. It’s also a deft commentary on the treatment of gays in the media: exploiting the narrative of tragic, self-destructive gay men lets our protagonists literally get away with murder, and once the dead gay sons don’t have a pulse, people feel comfortable talking about their tragic lives.